this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
