dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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