I can text with my tongue
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
