Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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