if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
