I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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