Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
