I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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