he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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