so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
