um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
