I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
