the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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