I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
