the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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