my phone needs a breathalizer
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
