I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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