Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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