omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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