I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
