I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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