dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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