dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
