I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
