birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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