I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
