Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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