I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
