Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
