She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
