I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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