If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
