I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
