Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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