I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize