shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
