i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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