Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
