Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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