saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
