I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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