I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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