woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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