she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize