She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize