you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
