its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
