I puked a lego.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
