I bet he comes in French.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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