She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
