i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
