I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
