I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
