Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
