I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
