He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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