maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
