FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
