why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
