I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
