would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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