I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
