Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
